The thing with being human, having a heart, is that you end up gathering a lot of baggage on the way, trying to get over the past without making a mess of the future. I want to change the past. To go back to the forks in the road where I took the road not taken (poetry reference win) and take the road that’s taken more. Having taken a course with such promise, only to realize that I would end up doing something completely unrelated at work, having blown off a unit in school that I could have followed up on and made something of, having a bagful of what-ifs that dig deeper and deeper into my back as I carry them along, picking more along the way…
I want a time machine to go back in time with, bearing the knowledge that I have now, changing things, well aware that I will not be the same person.
I want to be free of guilt. I want a blank slate. But this slate has been painted on. Nothing can be written on without crossing lines that have been written before.
Maybe I’m just taking on more loads than I can handle. Not maybe, definitely. That’s what I’m doing.
I could just change, instead of struggling with an ever blunter pencil.
Sharpener… Nice allusion.
I sharpen my pencil and draw some more, make plans to ease myself out of the mess I have fallen into, instead of picturing how I shall fall asleep inside it and drown.
Dark imaginings.
But I have the light within myself to counter it.
Counter it I shall.